I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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