Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
