...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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