No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
