you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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