Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
