I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I looked at my own cervix.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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