she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
