Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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