If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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