so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
