I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
