My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
