a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
