Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
