he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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