when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
