In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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