i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
