like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
