bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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