Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
