call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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