I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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