Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
