is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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