I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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