i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
