i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
