I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
