I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
