i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
