Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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