I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
this boner is exhausting
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
