I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
