The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
