I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
