God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Quick, to the slutcave!
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
