yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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