I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
