My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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