I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
