I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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