He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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