just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
