So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
