but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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