So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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