Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
