Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
