Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
