You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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