At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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