There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We're not piercing ourselves today.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
