what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
