I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
