you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You work out of a Hotel?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
