im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
