and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
