About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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