FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
